Lager’s “Forever ’11” fall fashion line fails to impress Erin Burnett with its “literalist stance.” As sartorial futures crash, Mercurial fashion designer said to be going to ground.

Lager's "Austerity Blazer" retails for about $29.00.

Authorities at the Fashion Institute of Technology (FIT) in New York have been trying for a month now to decode Chris Lager’s fall line, which debuted unseasonably late in October 2011, and was said to be marred by a “maddeningly erratic, almost willfully inscrutable” hand.  Lager, who has long been revered for his steadfast, relatively traditional use of lines and palette, shocked FIT authorities when his “Forever ‘11” line hit the runways back in October.

Brent Lindqvist, a research assistant at FIT’s encryption lab, said that after running a series of inter-text algorithms on the Lager line, he became convinced that the clothes were “shockingly literal” and showed “the kind of unhindered intentionality one usually associates with plain speaking and logic.”

Monday’s DOW, which showed a 32-point dive in Lager futures, woefully confirmed Lindqvist’s dire prognostication.  Jerry Handles, an associate sales associate at World’s End, Lager’s distributor, attempted to sum it up best: “The lack of distance between the stated claim and the intended claim is proving to be a hard sell for consumers in a season — an industry, really — infatuated with disparity.”

“Logic dictates,” Lindqvist went on to say, “That if we don’t hold ourselves apart then how are we to be considered, in the final analysis, to be truly, beautifully, singular?”

Lager has repaired to his Swiss retreat for the post-season.  Insiders report that his winter line marks a return to the “Ronin-like, hatefully solitary style he is so loved for.”

Lager's "Swiss Molten Castle" (a feudal chalet on the shores of Lake Geneva, Switzerland).

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