Perhaps the most dramatic moment during Monday’s vote in the House on whether or not to raise the Federal Shark Limit came when Arizona Representative, and a recent shark attack victim herself, Gabrielle Giffords, walked tentatively out onto the floor to cast her vote in favor of the bill.
The bill, which passed 269 to 161 (with over 311 million U.S. residents abstaining), makes few concessions to swimmers while gaining huge protections for sharks and other ‘top-feeders’ by way of limited taxation liability and the lifting of prohibitions against eating seniors, children, veterans and teachers.
Representative Bernie Sanders (D., Vermont) — a lifeguard for over 28 years — said, “Close the beaches or it’s gonna be a slaughterhouse.”
Smelling what she called “blood in the water,” Toe-Cutter First-Lady Yertel McConnell said, “If I can quote the former Secretary of the Defense, Donnington Rumsfeller, to Mr. Saunders: ‘I don’t do quagmires.’ Nor do we, sir, the American People, do beach closings or body counts!” The senior turtle from Tokyo — perhaps best-known for his airborne clashes with Japanese Defense Minister, Godzilla, in the early 2060s — then retracted his limbs into his shell and flew away using prehistoric combustion technology.
The bill has been a sticking point between Turtles and Quails ever since the So-Called Media announced it as “a looming crisis” and “bipartisan gridlock” several weeks ago.