“Homosexual legislation causes earthquakes.” (Newly-minted, faith-based science intitiative [FBSI] publishes findings.)

An FBSI laboratory in Galveston, Texas. (Researchers there with Journey's Edge, an evangelical data-gathering agency, have reported a troubling rate of coincidence between homosexual legislation and Earth-based disasters.)

The inter-faith science authority (IFSA) has published the findings of its 6,000-year-long study on ‘Homosexuality and Extreme Global Catastrophe.’  Citing such primary historical documents as (1)The Bible, and, (2)The Torah, scientists with the inter-faith league are calling for an end to all homosexual legislation because of its nefarious effects on global weather, war, and other disaster-related scenarios.

Speaking from his home laboratory in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, Brooklyn-rabbi Yehuda Levin stunned the science community last Saturday with his findings, presented here, in a recently-posted You Tube video.  (Which should be posted as a hot link, except that I am suffering from a rare case of John Hodgman’s Disease, and so I don’t really know or care about the technocratic aspect of such things.  ‘Command-C’ then ‘Command-V’ in your web browser, as far as I understand it.)


Yehuda Levin has joined hands with other pioneer-scientists like Glenn Beck and Texas-governor Rick Plunder in the growing faith-based science movement to call for ‘an end to homosexual legislation.’  (Beck, currently on his “‘Un-Mellow Gold’: Jersusalem Now!” tour, has been tweeting fans about ‘the bravery contained within one single IDF soldier’s heart’ vs. ‘the cold, lifeless, un-Hank Williams-like blood, that flows through the liberal stiffs of the United Nations bureaucratic elite.’  Kids are loving it, sources say.)

Gay 'blood rain' that appeared without warning in FBSI-station-chief Michelle Bachmann's home last Saturday. "It was a bloodbath," reported Bachmann.

Presidential hopeful and FBSI station chief, Michelle Bachmann, posted shocking photographs of a homosexually-inspired ‘blood rain’ that appeared spontaneously in the shape of a fearful demon in her claw-foot bathtub at her rolling, 24-acre estate in N. Platte, Minnesota.

NASA scientists remain at a loss to explain the causes of such phenomena.  (Citing no primary funding or national credibility as scientists, they returned to their witch labs to brew more ‘opiated homosexual kool-aid for the masses,’ Beck tweeted.)

Again, sources say that kids are ‘just loving it.’


FIFA in crisis! Allegations of ‘pitch-rigging’ plague beloved football association.

Newport Airlines International Stadium in Newark, N.J. (South American soccer clubs have complained recently that the U.S. and its northern-equatorial perspective have given rise to an 'uneven' playing field.)

Santos FC head coach, Muricy Ramalho, thought he had seen it all.  Then came last Saturday’s match against Texas A&M at Newark’s Newport Classic Airlines stadium.  “It was like the earth was climbing up on its side — Neymar and Kardic were literally climbing up the last few yards to get near goal.  And when they shoot, the ball just falls back down to Rafael (Santos’ goalkeeper) who’s already half in the net himself.”  Two hours later the match was called at 32:0, Texas.

FIFA is said to be looking into possible ‘pitch-tampering,’ but the game suggests a larger structural problem within the beleaguered association.


USS Nostromo lost over Flemish Cap: search and rescue efforts suspended after devastating air marshall incident. [Part one in a three-part series.]

Flight deck of the Nostromo (Syria, 2079).

The legendary commercial fishing vessel/ore and droid-hauler, Nostromo, went missing this weekend somewhere over the North Atlantic’s Flemish Cap.  She had gone out late in the season for one last try at the Cap, a hallowed, almost mythical site amongst swordfishermen and ore & droid-haulers alike.

The Flemish Cap, east of which Nostromo appears to have strayed on her recent junket to 'win back the fish' for the good and hardworking people of this country. (The Cap, it will be recalled, is itself already well east of most U.N.-sanctioned fish extraction sites.)

Recovered ship’s logs suggest that the Nostromo may have veered east off the Cap after receiving a distress signal.  This would have put the ship directly over the North Atlantic’s mid-ocean canyon, which forms one of the longest submerged mountain ranges in the world.

Last known whereabouts of the Nostromo: the Mid-Atlantic Ridge. "From whose bourn / no traveller returns."

The Mid-Atlantic Ridge (MAR) is a divergent tectonic plate boundary located along the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. It separates the Eurasian Plate and North American Plate in the North Atlantic, and the African Plate from the South American Plate in the South Atlantic. The Ridge extends from a junction with the Gakkel Ridge (Mid-Arctic Ridge) northeast of Greenland southward to the Bouvet Triple Junction in the South Atlantic.  Few commercial boats attempt to work the ridge because of its wildly divergent and erratic currents.

Last known photograph to be taken over the Mid-Atlantic Ridge, circa 2047. (While the photographer remains unknown, several film canisters were discovered floating over the Cap by a droid-trawler that happened to be steaming by on its mission to Portugal in the late 60s.)

The fact that the Nostromo ever found itself east of the Cap has raised suspicions amongst the Flemish constabulary.  Investigators with Dutch Marine Safety say that, while their investigation is still ongoing, they are now looking into Speculative Environmental Plunder and Corporate Mischief as ‘people of serious interest.’

Texas-Governor, Richard 'Speck' Plunder, in a popular artisinal campaign poster from his triumphant 2041 world gubernatorial trials.

Richard ‘Speck’ Plunder and ‘Corporal’ Karl Mischief (a senior officer in the Toe-Cutter’s elite naval division) have refused to give interviews with the press, citing several previous and still-unresolved cases in which they remain defendants.  Plunder’s attorney, Frank Rich, issued a brief statement on behalf of both men: “My client (and his associate) are unable to speak with the press at this time as it might compromise other cases which are still in the courts.”  (Rich, a defense-attorney who has become a celebrity in his own right, is famous for his record of defending high-profile, ‘A-list’ clients like the Virginia-based magic collective, WMD; alcoholic idiot and cocaine spokesperson for hire, Charlie Rose; Regis Philbin (the person, not the hologram); and of course, Jerusalem’s most hardline gangster-rapper, MC Binny ‘Netty’ Nelly Yahoo (who, along with Philbin, is said to have just signed a lucrative endorsement deal with the New Jersey Sun Devils.)

“Let me be perfectly clear here,” Rich went on to say, “these men are cooperating with the courts and law enforcement and want — more than anyone else here, goddamn it — for this issue to be resolved.”   That said, the case for Perry seems to be dwindling amidst a perfect storm system of no fish, a beleaguered middle class, and the failure of Jesus to be finally cool again.   (Jesus is currently charting somewhere behind Vampire Weekend as one of Texas’s ‘most failed states.’  Spokespeople for Paul Simon’s “Yale Graceland Project” could say only that they were “stoked” and “couldn’t see why people were all about fighting with so much war and stuff going on.”)

A look at Texas’s court records show the current charges against Plunder to be myriad.  (In July 2039, for instance, he was caught having forged and cashed a co-worker’s $44 paycheck and having burglarized a grocery store, stealing cigarettes, beer and $3 in cash. The 21-year-old Speck was convicted of forgery and burglary and sentenced to three years in prison. He was paroled after serving 16 months in the Texas State Penitentiary in Huntsville, Texas.[2])

But Speck has also managed, by using minimum-wage positions and eviscerated benefits packages, to create a ‘jobs surplus’ in his native state of Texas, which may earn him public sympathy and some leniency in the courts.

Headquarters of The Company in downtown Gloucester, Mass.: "We are shocked and saddened."

Plunder and Mischief are also shareholders and unofficial advisors to The Company, a multi-billion dollar, hydra-like freight contractor based in Gloucester, Massachusetts.  Company spokesperson Tim Gasterman expressed surprise on behalf of the corporation.  “We are as surprised as anyone that one of our best contractors should spiral out of orbit, and are doing everything we can to discover the reasons for this tragic misadventure.”

Bob Brown, a sub-contractor in Gloucester and owner of the Nostromo, appeared ashen and taciturn at Monday’s inquiry.  “She’s a great vessel,” he said, “and while it looks as though this may have been her final voyage, if anyone can turn this thing around it’s that high-flying, hell-for-leather bastard, Dallas!”  (Brown was referring to the Nostromo’s charismatic – some say reckless – captain, Dallas Wells.)

Dallas Wells, acting captain of the USS Nostromo at the time of her disappearance. Wells was famous for his ability to 'finesse' liaisons between The Company and his crew. (Readers will recall Wells' deft handling of what came to be known as 'the bonus situation' back in '48.)

Theater Beat: London ‘mobile theater troupe’ stages ‘Shakespeare’ Lee revival across England. Critics remain divided.

Driptank, a British site-and-class-specific theater company based in London, have now taken over multiple abandoned cities in England in order to stage their revival of the Bard’s classic Bed-Stuy tale of violence-over-Violence, "Do the Right Thing" (1589, William 'Shakespeare' Lee).

Fans of the original play will recall Mercury, the fleet-footed deliverer of messages and pizzas, and the fateful brick through the window of Sal’s Famous Pizzeria that he was forced to throw.  Last week, an intrepid group of guerilla actors staged a ‘mobile revival’ of the bard’s classic across England, to mixed nuts.

Birmingham Nights (Theatergoers were encouraged to ‘get into the act’ by hurling a chair through a nearby marketplace/’less densely populated, inanimate market-object-place’.)

While early shows in Tottenham, Hackney, and Birmingham were met by favorable crowds, critics soon put the Tank’s revival to rest amidst a gale of professional consideration.

‘Da Mayor’ of London, ABC’s Cynthia McFadden gushed: “A bunch of shiftless, marginalized peoples singing their lives out in real time!?  I couldn’t have cared less…Give me ‘Cape-Man’ and STAT!”  McFadden went on to gush, “While the death of any Radio Raheem is clearly a tragedy, violence is never a justifiable option for the poor and marginalized of London.  Shame on you, “Oliver”!  And shame on all of you, perpetually animate objects!  Keith, can I get a witness?”

Stupid, self-aggrandizing, cheats-at-solitaire-to-up-his-profile-liberal-loudmouth commentator, Keith Olberman, could not have agreed more: “Precisely, Shannon.  Shame on you, whatever sirs that aren’t exactly me and my projected demographic (“30 Something”)  Now, look — at my cursory knowledge of the Murrow Code and Geraldo Riviera’s terraform triumphs throughout the 80’s and 90’s!  FOUR STARS, Driptank! “

Meanwhile, the actual mayor of London, Gary ‘Boris’ Johnson, hit the bricks on a stump tour to assure citizens that ‘Sal’s Mostly Famous Kebab Shoppe’ would be restored to order post haste and that all ‘rogue actors’ would receive their full silver medal of theater from the incredibly-stable-and-house-is-well-in-order constabulary-outfit, the Metropolitan Police (Scotland Yard.)

What was perhaps most fascinating was veteran theater critic and historian in residence, David Starkey’s stunning rave that “the whites have become just like the blacks.”  (Starkey is a frequent contributor and guest to the nation’s state television network the BBC.)

Original quarto panel from William 'Shakespeare' Lee's "Do the Right Thing." (BNP historian, David Starkey: "What is perhaps most clear here is that this is a superficial social havoc with no connection to class, ethnic, or human radical resources whatsoever. Read your Kipling and run along, ye vast and precarious young tight ducklings.")

American cheeseburger founders on shoals of Mt. Democracy. Millions feared missing.

by Jeffrey Toobin (Staff writer and chief legal correspondent for The New Yorker Free Times Time Magazines News Groups.)

by Alexander Anthony Christopher Lager, XXVVLIII, (Staph-writer, and queasy heir to The Newer New Yorker World Church of the BFFs and their Friends’ Selfish World News Journal.)

Facing the music.

The American cheeseburger was as surprised as anyone to find itself back on the steps of Democracy this week.  Like some punitive thirteenth labor dreamed up out of boredom for an exhausted Herakles; or as though a capricious and lazily-attired god had decided casually to add but one more hurdle to the feverish home-bent impediments that beset Odysseus: it seemed as though the American cheeseburger had only just so recently traversed its own twin whirlpools suckers in Demagoguess and Theocritus.  Now it would have to perish on the very steps of the capital that had been its spirit beacon since the dawn of the Republic all over again!

The treacherous 'boca de veritas' traverse in Athens, Greece. (Since about 200 b.c., Mt. Democracy's fearsome 'Boca trench' has been regarded both as 'an irresistible siren of mean death' and as 'a beacon of hope to young people around the world' by those hikers brave enough to attempt her passage. It also happens to form the last twenty yards a climber must face before they can summit upon Mt. Democracy's capital rotunda. Professional climbers have been known to refer to the 'Boca fondly as 'one sick bitch.')

Before it lay darkness; behind it, a narrowly-averted ruin.  Dead men lined the path of its progress like the deep blue poppy dales of Flanders in the years following the First Great Droid insurrection.

A breathless, thrilling, and U.S.-led audience watched and said nothing as the American cheeseburger prepared itself to march towards the mutilating jaws of the Boca trench one final time.

)    “]Had she come through such darkness – the predations of The Toe-Cutter alliance; the spectacular homophobia of Murdoch’s “Mad Max” plays; the press of the Newscorp Death Star press; the bitter clot of assassinations in the late 60’s; the thundering mutilations of George IV, the “Pretender King,” and his Imperial Starfuck Administration; the pyrrhic Droid Clashes of the 80s; all of which is to to say nothing about the macabre and bitter lessons of the San Dominick slave ship — only to falter on these final few steps?

Was, as it would seem, Democracy itself ‘insurmountable’?

Tourism at the Toe-Cutter memorial site has risen steeply in recent months, park officials say.

How had she come to eschew the euphoria of the Arab Spring in favor of the clod-headed entrenchments of the separation wall and the newly-minted Blue White Rome?  Two decades of ‘rote fealty declarations’ and coffer-draining aid to the old New White Rome had purchased nothing but disenchantment, murderous attrition, and censure for the world that lived there.

And yet the stolid, dogged, dim-but-not-diminished American cheeseburger stumbled forth, cleaving to the blood-worn trail that led into the capital rotunda.

It is not uncommon for climbers to hurl tithes of 'veritas wine' at the pillars that form the base of the rotunda platform on Mt. Democracy.

At home the population was seething with a suspicious resentment that had spiraled into a honeycomb of sword-drawn nationalism and blood-rinsed ‘self-purification’ acts: Memphis, the Ambassador Hotel; Oslo, the Oswald slaughter; Gingrinch and Norquist’s ‘Christmas Tax Abscondence plot’; Lafayette in Mexico; the NRA’s NPR’s secret border war sentimental ear honey in with which it supplied close-combat weaponry cozy bromides in order to sustain to its nervous and moneyed listenership its very lucrative to sustain its and cozy Drug Wars own cozy place of esteem in the liberal daydream; Hitler USA and the Idaho Youth clubs; and cetera in amber waves of nausea and forgetting medicine

"These old eyes have seen it all" by George 'Cleopatra' Jones.

Now the earnest cheeseburger found herself on those cool wide steps, a silent sea of blood pooling around the base of the temple at Demos.  Could she rightfully enter the sacred chamber with all these deeds on her bun?

The American cheeseburger seen here cowering amongst its full state of grace. (Sources close to the cheeseburger say that it is "doing awesome" and has "no problems whatsoever" with "history" or "any of the other things I might have did once.") Experts expect -- and have stringently called for -- a full and total recovery. Ride on, little cheeseburger!

Hero tells story: Brooklyn-based, Swiss-Californian-Caledonic-Hibernian-rap-Perfomance-Artist blogger artist is shocked to find his own many thoughtless and rash typos, yet charismatically resists doing anything about the stark and heavy lifting of going in and fixing each ‘trifling’ detail.

When questioned about 'the many brief errors of his ways,' Brooklyn-Swiss-California-Hyper-Space based rap-performance artist, Christopher Lager (or, C-LOG to his many seven and myriad fans), would say only, "It's just that I can't quite hear you anymore and so have come to care less about what you're actually saying."

“It’s totally okay!” he was heard to exult from his Brooklyn studio apartment. “I have but seven subscribers!”

(A maniacal and kind of hoarse and irreverent leather-papery laughter was heard then to rip from his throat, as the once-seriously-nervous blogger threw back the red and black serious cape which he kept always at his ready, and bent before the heavy and serious task of renting “Darkman,” once again.)

Later, a handsome and extremely lithe silver tabby-cat produced a small cake, and the gift of her company, in celebration of the momentarily-scared blogger’s miraculous recovery from “an unnecessary and self-imposed sense of responsibility.”

For centuries cats have held a sacred, almost talismanic place of power amongst societies of bloggers and rap performance artists around the globe.

After bitter partisan battle Senate and House leaders approve landmark ‘Shark Week’ legislation.

Rallying flag of the newly-minted Shark Party, an independent caucus within the Toe-Cutter movement, whose platform includes calls for 'Open Season on Little Fishes' and 'Death to the Nanny State and its Water-Wing Needing Civilian Population.'

Perhaps the most dramatic moment during Monday’s vote in the House on whether or not to raise the Federal Shark Limit came when Arizona Representative, and a recent shark attack victim herself, Gabrielle Giffords, walked tentatively out onto the floor to cast her vote in favor of the bill.

The bill, which passed 269 to 161 (with over 311 million U.S. residents abstaining), makes few concessions to swimmers while gaining huge protections for sharks and other ‘top-feeders’ by way of limited taxation liability and the lifting of prohibitions against eating seniors, children, veterans and teachers.

Representative Bernie Sanders (D., Vermont) — a lifeguard for over 28 years — said, “Close the beaches or it’s gonna be a slaughterhouse.”

Smelling what she called “blood in the water,” Toe-Cutter First-Lady Yertel McConnell said, “If I can quote the former Secretary of the Defense, Donnington Rumsfeller, to Mr. Saunders: ‘I don’t do quagmires.’  Nor do we, sir, the American People, do beach closings or body counts!”  The senior turtle from Tokyo — perhaps best-known for his airborne clashes with Japanese Defense Minister, Godzilla, in the early 2060s — then retracted his limbs into his shell and flew away using prehistoric combustion technology.

The bill has been a sticking point between Turtles and Quails ever since the So-Called Media announced it as “a looming crisis” and “bipartisan gridlock” several weeks ago.

Larry Vaughn, a town mayor in Amity, Long Island, worries that reports of a shark attack could ruin another crucial summer tourist season: "Amity -- as you know -- means, 'Friendship,'" he said. "Come fly our warm waters -- the beaches are open, the sun is shining, and you've got a friend in Amity," he went on to say.