Italian Ice magnate arraigned on charges of child prostitution and sloth

Rudolf Anthony Michael Giuliani Geribaldi (better known as “Uncle Rufi G”) was taken into custody from his Brooklyn home on Saturday after several former employees made formal their allegations that the dishevelled ice mogul had forced them to have sex for money with clients he cultivated through his various retail outlets.  Two of the plaintiffs in the suit, which includes sex-trafficking and gross indolence/sloth, are also related to G by way of hastily arranged or shoddily constructed marriages. Marriage has long been a source of pride in the Roman Catholic community.

Rudolf Geribaldi (aka "Uncle Rufi G") was pulled from his Brooklyn home last Saturday. "The neighborhood kids took to calling him Uncle Rufi G as a sign of respect and affection."

Darkness at Home Plate

News of the scandal first leaked out when portions of Geribaldi’s “client-list” were unearthed during a routine softball game and Police Defense-Fund charity event at Holy Name Field in Brooklyn last Tuesday.  Anthony Michael Lucchesi, 10, a young batter in the day’s game, noticed a larger than normal bulge beneath the ground at home plate.  Forensics teams later turned up several partially burnt pages from G’s notorious “Encrypticon” at the Catholic sports/family/police/Christmas tree sales lot.  Holy Name is owned and operated by Our Lady of Perpetual Contradiction, a Catholic school and parish in the Windsor Terrace neighborhood that dates back to 1885.

Ken Stringer, an encryption specialist at the NYPD’s 70th Precinct, says that the documents appear to outline a child slavery/sex-ring stretching from Bay Ridge to Carroll Gardens.  “It’s not a pretty picture,” said Stringer. “This is the ‘candy from a stranger’ that your parents warned you about.”  Stringer went on to say that G used his network of “scoop-stands” and aura of “roseate Brooklyn nostalgia” to entice both victims and predators to his parlors.

The Bucket List: G’s decrypted Rolodex shows him to be a ruthless and lazy pimp who “didn’t have to work”

Geribaldi is probably best known as the benefactor of several million dollars from his beloved uncles Mario and Luigi, who built a plumbing empire from their Mario Bros. Contracting firm in the mid-1980s.  Mario Bros received lucrative state contracts throughout the 80s when New York’s crumbling sewer system became infested with malignant reptiles, spiraling nepotism and structural sway.

The brothers have been unable to speak to the current charges against their nephew because they are either dead or incommunicado. (Luigi fell to his death in 1985 after a failed cloud-jump; Mario married a young Kensington woman of noble blood in 1989 after rescuing her during a routine turtle-abatement job.  Since marrying the couple has adamantly refused to speak to the press.)

Geribaldi took the initial capital from his inheritance and turned it into a flagship scoop-stand around 1994, later growing the franchise into a three-state, 30-outlet strong chain.  Neighbors describe him as a “shiftless, Humvee driving pimp” who “never had to work a day in his life.”  Ruth Corns, an area resident, said that the whole community was “in shock” over the revelations.  “We trusted our children to this man, and this is how he repays us?”

G, on the advice of his counsel, has exercised his “Right to remain seated and slightly pitched to one side, which is not to say asleep, but rather dreaming.”

Services for the Truth and The Golden 1950s Summers of our Remembered Brooklyn will be held at Our Lady of Perpetual Disappointment this Saturday.

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