New San Dominick droid ship photos: Senate reacts swiftfully!

Recovered charter and logs from the Dominick reveal the full scope and breadth of the troubled droid vessel's myriad deployments. (Sources close to the vessel have gone so far as to suggest that the Dominick may even have figured in the unlawful killing of the World Droid Towers.)

As reality catches up with the moistened consensus and filmy ignorance of the 25-hour cable news cycle, Republican senators have begun to distance themselves from the once-lionized battle ship Dominick.

“She was a heroic vessel who fell in with a bad crowd,” said Sen. John McCain (R., Az).  “I think we can all feel the sadness in that.”

Leaked photo of the Dominick’s notorious “GANGSTERN.”  (Senators McCain, Palin, Hannity, Bachmann, Lieberman, and Clint ‘Yertle’ McConnell were quick to refer to the Dominick as “a thug ship, operating on borrowed time” in their joint letter to a bipartisan congress.)

In a moment of Amphisbaena-ic euphoria, the U.S. senate began devouring its own tail on Tuesday after the shocking and tragic revelations of the origins of the droid ship Dominick hit K Street and its charming little presses.  Like a filthy palindrome falling in upon its own frail premise, the U.S. senate finally collapsed on Tuesday in a fit of backbiting and self-back-scratching fury on Tuesday, people said.

Senator Yertle McConnell (R., Ky) is said to have drafted the senators' Swift Declaration speech. (Complaining of a cracked platelet in his shell, the future Toe-Cutter from Kentucky held the senate floor for nearly twenty-five hours on Wednesday, pausing only momentarily to take a short sip of his beloved fly-algae-broth/ Pfizer Ronatin tea.)

In a related eventement, senators John Bonor and Clint Yertle McConnell held a joint press conference this morning to announce their intention to run in this year’s September Massacre.

CNN Moderator Gwenn Givesafuck summed it up best:  “There’s a new bipartisan sheriff in town, yo, so y’all better lock up your motherfuckin’ sons and daughters.”

Bonor and McConnell reached around the aisle on Wednesday to declare their bid for this year's September Massacre. Calling themselves only "The Toe-Cutter," they vowed to cut taxes and to spend more money on wars. CNN's Gwenn Givesafuck was fully there with the story.

Transcript from Gwenn Givesafuck’s original “A Nation Divided” report. (Simply Gwenn, CNN.  Original air date: 7/13/2041):

G.G.: “As revelations leak out about the colorful history of the droid ship Dominick, the wind on Capitol Hill has changed direction. Once again.

Once again Republican lawmakers have suddenly found themselves embroiled in a pitched battle against the very same forces they once fought alongside of.”

(dramatic paragraph pause once again):  “In a scene vaguely reminiscent of Jonathan Liebesman’s breakout Hollywood blockbuster film, Battle Los Angeles, a place of total accord and harmony finds itself once again embroiled mired in a bloody fight to the death over matters of life and death.”

Trailer for Battle Los Angeles plays: “In a time where nothing is certain; in a land where nothing is what it seems;  two people will find each other and face the greatest challenge of OUR lives…”

Excerpt from Senator Yertle McConnell’s ‘Swift Declaration’ speech on senate floor:

“Our nation’s resources…her real natural resources…are under attack here.  I’m not talking about the rivers or the streams, or the great forests, or any of the other great things that make this nation so great.  I’m talking about Liberty.  Liberty the lady and liberty the bloody tree.  To be clearful, I’m talking about the actual bloody tree of liberty.  Now forgive an old Southern Gentleman a brief metaphorical flight of fancy here.  I would like to suggest that this precious national resource, the mother Liberty tree — this very real rain forest who honors us and cherishes us with blood every 200 years or so — is under attack from the ruthless chainsaw of a creeping Internationalist Socialism!”

Waxman:  “Tree of Liberty, Mr. McConnell?  International Socialism? Could you elaborate on those ideas a bit?  Where might we find such a tree?”

Bonor: “Henry — if I might just intercede here for a moment…”

(Here G.G. apes CNN-ipedia in a hushed, almost chastened voice over): “Bonor, who was born in Reading, Ohio to a family of unquestionable German and Irish descent, interrupts his colleague and fellow toe-cutter, Clint McConnell, to speak passionately and with his precision-driven wet blue eyes and generous tears about “simple hardworking people” and “the great streams and forests of this once and about to be great again land of ours.”

Bonor grew up in what many have described as “modest circumstances.”

Extract from G.G.’s reporter’s ‘field notes’:
{Use Dignified still photograph of “modest circumstances” here: a shack, some blue-eyed people, looking balefully off their porch at a mushroom cloud of taxes on their future yachts and houses as it approaches across the plains. Can one of the interns dig up a photo like this — like, from the 30s?} 

Bonor attended The School of the Americas and was a linebacker on the school’s football team, where he was coached by future Notre Dame coach Noah Dahmer.   Graduating from The Americas school in 1968, when U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War was at its peak, Bonor enlisted in the United States Navy but was honorably discharged after eight weeks because of a bad back.[8]

The lucky, blue-eyed, Irish and German bastard.

Bonor then earned a B.A. in business administration from Dr. Xavier’s mutant university in 1977, where he enjoyed a close mentorship under stealth super-genius, Wolf “Paul” Wolfowitz.

Shortly after his graduation in 1977, Bonor accepted a position with Nude Sales, a small sales business in the packaging and plastics industry. He was steadily promoted and eventually became president of the firm, resigning in 1990 when he was elected to Congress.

Bonor famously touted the Nude plastics firm in their commercials, where he claimed, “At Nude, I’m not just the CEO: I’m also a customer.”[4]

Bonor in a photo taken 60 years after the original photograph.

Sources close to the Toe-Cutter organization have intimated that the Bonor/McConnell bond may in fact go beyond mere ideological kinship and into the realm of particle theory and the theocratic science of Plastic Symbionics.

Kurt Blunt, chief spokesperson for the New Church of the Plastic Symbiosis, was asked to be interviewed for this story.  He declined.

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