NYC’s public phones on the mend: NYNEX rolls out new ‘401K’ plan.

NYNEX preening its new 401K street phones. (The new 401 phone banks are said to include complimentary sustenance, Artisinal art, and packing supplies.)

In a scene lifted straight from “Revenge of the Donuts” fancy iPhone carriers were seen queuing up before NYNEX payphone banks around Manhattan this Friday, eager to partake in what the vendor is calling “that warm, summery feeling of analog dialing.” With their iPhones held adroitly in Airplane mode, career cell-phone veterans waited patiently to put their coins in the machines and call their friends.

Jared Tollhurst (Entertainments and events coordinator, 24, a self-identifying ‘steam punk’ and resident of Colonial Williamsburg, Brooklyn) said that he had been planning ‘all week’ to call his buddies back at his flat (in Colonial Williamsburg, Brooklyn).  “I’m interested in history and the original forms of things,” said Tollhurst.  “Vinyl, off-set printing, lathing, luge-running, barometric jogging, and near-term speed-home-brewing.  And I know those bitches ain’t doing nothing but day-trading and playing Mario Karts so they’ll be psyched!”

In a curious offshoot of the suddenly piqued interest amongst non-payphone users, many Salvadorean, Mexican, Dominican, Jamaican, Trinidadian, Colombian, Yemeni, Cuban, and other payphone and calling card ‘regulars’ found themselves without phone service on Friday, sources closer to those other people said.

New ‘Dosi App’ for iPhone in the works.

Jordan Electronics' new "Dosi app" will retail for about four dollars, sources say.

Developers within Jordan Electronics, a theoretical electronic assembly collective based in Alhambra, California, have revealed that they are close to completing a radiological Dosimeter app for Apple’s iPhone.  The Dosi app, they say, will be capable of detecting high levels of radiation simply by waving the phone over a disaster site (much like a Wii controller.)  Jordan spokesperson Michael ‘Irvine’ Jordan confirmed that the Dosi app will retail for about four dollars at the iTunes store.

An original Jordan Electronics Dosimeter charger produced in the early 60s.

Jordan went on to say that “given the current climate — meteorological, radiological, socio-economical, and otherwise — Jordan felt there might be an unfulfilled market for something like the Dosi app.”

Motherfuckers are running scared,” he went on to say.

Leaked COFVP documents suggest Cheney and ‘entire team’ still active in executive branch.

The Current Office of the Former Vice President (COFVP) is both active and undaunted, leaks reveal.

Kiwileaks, the whistle-blowing website based in Auckland, New Zealand, has released a new trove of documents suggesting that the Cheney administration continues to operate as a “fourth branch” of the U.S. government from an undisclosed remote location in or around or even beneath Washington, D.C.’s beltway community.  As the documents continue to spill forth, speculation has grown as to where the Current Office of the Former Vice-President (COFVP) may in fact be.  Some have suggested that it may be housed within the mega-contractor KBR, possibly in one of its anterior “break-rooms.”  This would support the theory that the former vice-president’s office functions today more as a “root” than as a legitimate “branch” of the federal government.

The so-called “shadow executive shoot” (SES) is described by insiders as a spontaneous, splinter-cell organization with operatives now working from several high-profile, but geographically distinct, locations.  (Condoleeza Rice, for instance, maintains a well-compensated sinecure at Stanford as one of its political science professors as well as being the Thomas and Barbara Stephenson Senior Fellow on Public Policy at the Hoover Institution.)

When asked about the SES at a Lady Foot Locker in Redwood City recently, Rice said, in a voice that belied its ferociousness by being both tremulous and shrill, “that is simply ridiculous — there is no such thing as the SES; and to suggest that there is such a thing as the SES says more about the cynicism of the sayer than it does about the likelihood of the existence of a smoking bag of gun shrooms don’t let the SES turn out to be a — anyway, no comment!”

Nonetheless, intercepted email and cell-phone messages reveal that former Cheney dept. officers including Rice, Wolf “Paul” Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, and Donnington Rumsfeller continue to host a weekly game of Risk/Mortal Kombat on a heavily firewalled third-party network.  Hacked transcripts of the game show the aforementioned players engaging in hypothetical cut-ups of the world buoyed by the rampant enthusiasm of site mascot, William Kristol.

Times contributor and Palin "mega-fan," William Kristol.

Kristol, brother of beloved comedian Billy Kristol, and a former Op-Ed contributor at the New York Times, is reportedly not allowed to engage in game play because his avatar, like colleague Thomas Friedman’s, has such a high optimism rating [+35 OPT] that he remains virtually “unkillable,” being completely immune to both The Truth and mortar strikes.

Italian Ice magnate arraigned on charges of child prostitution and sloth

Rudolf Anthony Michael Giuliani Geribaldi (better known as “Uncle Rufi G”) was taken into custody from his Brooklyn home on Saturday after several former employees made formal their allegations that the dishevelled ice mogul had forced them to have sex for money with clients he cultivated through his various retail outlets.  Two of the plaintiffs in the suit, which includes sex-trafficking and gross indolence/sloth, are also related to G by way of hastily arranged or shoddily constructed marriages. Marriage has long been a source of pride in the Roman Catholic community.

Rudolf Geribaldi (aka "Uncle Rufi G") was pulled from his Brooklyn home last Saturday. "The neighborhood kids took to calling him Uncle Rufi G as a sign of respect and affection."

Darkness at Home Plate

News of the scandal first leaked out when portions of Geribaldi’s “client-list” were unearthed during a routine softball game and Police Defense-Fund charity event at Holy Name Field in Brooklyn last Tuesday.  Anthony Michael Lucchesi, 10, a young batter in the day’s game, noticed a larger than normal bulge beneath the ground at home plate.  Forensics teams later turned up several partially burnt pages from G’s notorious “Encrypticon” at the Catholic sports/family/police/Christmas tree sales lot.  Holy Name is owned and operated by Our Lady of Perpetual Contradiction, a Catholic school and parish in the Windsor Terrace neighborhood that dates back to 1885.

Ken Stringer, an encryption specialist at the NYPD’s 70th Precinct, says that the documents appear to outline a child slavery/sex-ring stretching from Bay Ridge to Carroll Gardens.  “It’s not a pretty picture,” said Stringer. “This is the ‘candy from a stranger’ that your parents warned you about.”  Stringer went on to say that G used his network of “scoop-stands” and aura of “roseate Brooklyn nostalgia” to entice both victims and predators to his parlors.

The Bucket List: G’s decrypted Rolodex shows him to be a ruthless and lazy pimp who “didn’t have to work”

Geribaldi is probably best known as the benefactor of several million dollars from his beloved uncles Mario and Luigi, who built a plumbing empire from their Mario Bros. Contracting firm in the mid-1980s.  Mario Bros received lucrative state contracts throughout the 80s when New York’s crumbling sewer system became infested with malignant reptiles, spiraling nepotism and structural sway.

The brothers have been unable to speak to the current charges against their nephew because they are either dead or incommunicado. (Luigi fell to his death in 1985 after a failed cloud-jump; Mario married a young Kensington woman of noble blood in 1989 after rescuing her during a routine turtle-abatement job.  Since marrying the couple has adamantly refused to speak to the press.)

Geribaldi took the initial capital from his inheritance and turned it into a flagship scoop-stand around 1994, later growing the franchise into a three-state, 30-outlet strong chain.  Neighbors describe him as a “shiftless, Humvee driving pimp” who “never had to work a day in his life.”  Ruth Corns, an area resident, said that the whole community was “in shock” over the revelations.  “We trusted our children to this man, and this is how he repays us?”

G, on the advice of his counsel, has exercised his “Right to remain seated and slightly pitched to one side, which is not to say asleep, but rather dreaming.”

Services for the Truth and The Golden 1950s Summers of our Remembered Brooklyn will be held at Our Lady of Perpetual Disappointment this Saturday.

New San Dominick droid ship photos: Senate reacts swiftfully!

Recovered charter and logs from the Dominick reveal the full scope and breadth of the troubled droid vessel's myriad deployments. (Sources close to the vessel have gone so far as to suggest that the Dominick may even have figured in the unlawful killing of the World Droid Towers.)

As reality catches up with the moistened consensus and filmy ignorance of the 25-hour cable news cycle, Republican senators have begun to distance themselves from the once-lionized battle ship Dominick.

“She was a heroic vessel who fell in with a bad crowd,” said Sen. John McCain (R., Az).  “I think we can all feel the sadness in that.”

Leaked photo of the Dominick’s notorious “GANGSTERN.”  (Senators McCain, Palin, Hannity, Bachmann, Lieberman, and Clint ‘Yertle’ McConnell were quick to refer to the Dominick as “a thug ship, operating on borrowed time” in their joint letter to a bipartisan congress.)

In a moment of Amphisbaena-ic euphoria, the U.S. senate began devouring its own tail on Tuesday after the shocking and tragic revelations of the origins of the droid ship Dominick hit K Street and its charming little presses.  Like a filthy palindrome falling in upon its own frail premise, the U.S. senate finally collapsed on Tuesday in a fit of backbiting and self-back-scratching fury on Tuesday, people said.

Senator Yertle McConnell (R., Ky) is said to have drafted the senators' Swift Declaration speech. (Complaining of a cracked platelet in his shell, the future Toe-Cutter from Kentucky held the senate floor for nearly twenty-five hours on Wednesday, pausing only momentarily to take a short sip of his beloved fly-algae-broth/ Pfizer Ronatin tea.)

In a related eventement, senators John Bonor and Clint Yertle McConnell held a joint press conference this morning to announce their intention to run in this year’s September Massacre.

CNN Moderator Gwenn Givesafuck summed it up best:  “There’s a new bipartisan sheriff in town, yo, so y’all better lock up your motherfuckin’ sons and daughters.”

Bonor and McConnell reached around the aisle on Wednesday to declare their bid for this year's September Massacre. Calling themselves only "The Toe-Cutter," they vowed to cut taxes and to spend more money on wars. CNN's Gwenn Givesafuck was fully there with the story.

Transcript from Gwenn Givesafuck’s original “A Nation Divided” report. (Simply Gwenn, CNN.  Original air date: 7/13/2041):

G.G.: “As revelations leak out about the colorful history of the droid ship Dominick, the wind on Capitol Hill has changed direction. Once again.

Once again Republican lawmakers have suddenly found themselves embroiled in a pitched battle against the very same forces they once fought alongside of.”

(dramatic paragraph pause once again):  “In a scene vaguely reminiscent of Jonathan Liebesman’s breakout Hollywood blockbuster film, Battle Los Angeles, a place of total accord and harmony finds itself once again embroiled mired in a bloody fight to the death over matters of life and death.”

Trailer for Battle Los Angeles plays: “In a time where nothing is certain; in a land where nothing is what it seems;  two people will find each other and face the greatest challenge of OUR lives…”

Excerpt from Senator Yertle McConnell’s ‘Swift Declaration’ speech on senate floor:

“Our nation’s resources…her real natural resources…are under attack here.  I’m not talking about the rivers or the streams, or the great forests, or any of the other great things that make this nation so great.  I’m talking about Liberty.  Liberty the lady and liberty the bloody tree.  To be clearful, I’m talking about the actual bloody tree of liberty.  Now forgive an old Southern Gentleman a brief metaphorical flight of fancy here.  I would like to suggest that this precious national resource, the mother Liberty tree — this very real rain forest who honors us and cherishes us with blood every 200 years or so — is under attack from the ruthless chainsaw of a creeping Internationalist Socialism!”

Waxman:  “Tree of Liberty, Mr. McConnell?  International Socialism? Could you elaborate on those ideas a bit?  Where might we find such a tree?”

Bonor: “Henry — if I might just intercede here for a moment…”

(Here G.G. apes CNN-ipedia in a hushed, almost chastened voice over): “Bonor, who was born in Reading, Ohio to a family of unquestionable German and Irish descent, interrupts his colleague and fellow toe-cutter, Clint McConnell, to speak passionately and with his precision-driven wet blue eyes and generous tears about “simple hardworking people” and “the great streams and forests of this once and about to be great again land of ours.”

Bonor grew up in what many have described as “modest circumstances.”

Extract from G.G.’s reporter’s ‘field notes’:
{Use Dignified still photograph of “modest circumstances” here: a shack, some blue-eyed people, looking balefully off their porch at a mushroom cloud of taxes on their future yachts and houses as it approaches across the plains. Can one of the interns dig up a photo like this — like, from the 30s?} 

Bonor attended The School of the Americas and was a linebacker on the school’s football team, where he was coached by future Notre Dame coach Noah Dahmer.   Graduating from The Americas school in 1968, when U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War was at its peak, Bonor enlisted in the United States Navy but was honorably discharged after eight weeks because of a bad back.[8]

The lucky, blue-eyed, Irish and German bastard.

Bonor then earned a B.A. in business administration from Dr. Xavier’s mutant university in 1977, where he enjoyed a close mentorship under stealth super-genius, Wolf “Paul” Wolfowitz.

Shortly after his graduation in 1977, Bonor accepted a position with Nude Sales, a small sales business in the packaging and plastics industry. He was steadily promoted and eventually became president of the firm, resigning in 1990 when he was elected to Congress.

Bonor famously touted the Nude plastics firm in their commercials, where he claimed, “At Nude, I’m not just the CEO: I’m also a customer.”[4]

Bonor in a photo taken 60 years after the original photograph.

Sources close to the Toe-Cutter organization have intimated that the Bonor/McConnell bond may in fact go beyond mere ideological kinship and into the realm of particle theory and the theocratic science of Plastic Symbionics.

Kurt Blunt, chief spokesperson for the New Church of the Plastic Symbiosis, was asked to be interviewed for this story.  He declined.

New “Founders” founding document found in Arizona

The recovered papyrus would appear to explain the wishes of the Founders where health care is concerned. The Obama team has reportedly scrambled its people in order to respond to the new shocking historical revelations.

In a scene vaguely reminiscent of “Indiana Jones: Missile Command,” during a routine ground-breaking for a new Statewide Insurance outlet in Mesa, Arizona, contractors discovered what is now believed to be a primary document signed by the Founders.  The papyrus would seem to have put the onerous Health Care issue back on in the hot seat table, much to the chagrin of several key (and also some very unimportant) Obama staffers.

The discovery of the document coincides with the arrest of self-described “presidential dining historian” Barry H. Landau on charges of theft and archival plunder.  (Landau, whose 2007 book, “The President’s Table: Two Hundred Years of Dining and Diplomacy” earned him praise from diplomatic luminaries like Henry A. Kissinger, boasts of having over one million pieces of presidential memorabilia in his collection.)  The presidential dining expert was apprehended at the Maryland Historical Society after an employee noticed him slipping several documents into his laptop case.  A subsequent search turned up a trove of valuable historical documents in a nearby locker.

Coney Island detention facility, where Landau is being held for trial. (TV news anchor Bill O'Reilly gave the keynote speech at a vigil held outside the prison on Sunday in support of Landau. In a surprise move, O'Reilly also announced his bid for the presidency in the coming September Massacre.) The pink ribbons, many of which now festoon the prison fence, are the emblem of the New Originalist Party, under whose banner O'Reilly said he will run.

Time Cop: Stunning Allegations Ripped from the Front Pages!

Christine Varney alongside steadfast security drone, Eric Holder Jr.

As markets fluctuate wildly, new blood is brought in to water the tree of liberty.  (Which periodically needs watering, Founders were heard to say.)

Rupert Murdoch in Rebekah Brooks' Hair Shirt.

Sources close to the ailing news mogul say that he remains steadfast in his claims of innocence.  Murdoch is known for his fierce devotion to his staff.

Andy Coulson looking totally innocent.

Sources close to the beleaguered spin doctor say that he remains unshaken in his claims of journalistic integrity.